On Having a Collar

We’ve just begun on this wonderful road that I’ve wanted to be on for so long, which means we’re still deciding what we want and need out of this lifestyle. One of the first things I wanted — no, needed — was a collar. I needed that outward symbol of our changing dynamic. I needed something I could touch and be reminded of His ownership of me. I needed to carry around that special almost secret thing that marked me as His. Something beyond my wedding ring.

I have long understood the significance of a collar. I’ve read enough BDSM fiction and have interacted with people online long enough to really know what it means. After I came out to Sir and He embraced my needs and decided that yes, He was on board, He started researching the lifestyle like a mad man. I held my tongue about needing a collar for as long as I could. I wanted Him to discover this part of the lifestyle and come to the realization on His own that it was something important we should have between us.

But that was really unreasonable of me. No matter what fiction leads us to believe, Doms can’t read our minds. If it was something I needed, I knew He would move heaven and earth to get it for me. And I needed a collar. So I told Him, and He added it to His research. Now He understands the significance, and I have what I need. And it feels spectacular to wear it and touch it. It’s our own private connection.

I had a fear, though. I worried that other lifestylers might think it came too soon. There are people more embedded in the lifestyle than we are who have been waiting years for a collar. I expressed my fears to two friends of mine who are also in the lifestyle. “Everyone in this lifestyle moves at a different pace,” said one. “If other people look down on you for a choice you two have made, that’s on them, not you. Wear your collar proudly,” said the other. They assured me that if we felt that the time was appropriate for a collar, then that’s what worked for us.

And the few times we’ve been to the club I have worn my collar proudly. It makes me feel so…desired, marked, owned. I have a sense of belonging.

I’ve thrown myself headlong into this lifestyle, living it the way we make it best fit into our lives. And what I know right now is that my collar means just as much to me as my wedding ring does. Its significance will remain at the forefront of my mind as we move forward, no matter what the pace.

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9 thoughts on “On Having a Collar

  1. Good on you and your Sir. I agree with your friends. Move at your own pace and in your own way. I tend to lean towards a training collar while my subs are trained, and then once they have earned one, a formal collar for the remainder of their time with me, and that is good, for us. :)

  2. I’m new to the Collaring concept…..I have recently had my Sub give me her Key to the Heart Lock on a collar which was give to her in a past relationship. I was told that the Key is “Mine”. What is the significance to such a move by her…..and what underlying meanings are there? Is this collar to be considered the same as if I had given it to her originally?

    As I mentioned, I’m new to this concept. While I understand it if I had originally given her the collar, I did not…….she did specifically present the Key to me and refused to remove the collar….until I removed it for her.

    Help to shed some light on this for me……..

    • Tom, a collar is a symbol of commitment. It is just as important than, if not more important than, a wedding ring. Many in the community hold a collar as more important. This is my personal opinion and others may see this differently, but I think your sub is topping from the bottom. She is giving you a directive. A collar is something a Dom should give to his/her sub. A discussion can certainly take place between the Dom and the sub prior to the collaring, as it should before two people get married, but to me the person who is more or less in charge of a D/s relationship should be responsible for the collar. As for the collar itself, imagine getting married to someone and for that person to say I want to wear the ring from my first marriage. That doesn’t sit right with me. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who is still wearing his/her wedding rings from the first marriage. I think you need to do a little research on this. I would also ask your sub her motivation for doing what she did. It’s almost as if she collared herself to you, which is not the point of a collar. It should be mutual: I give this to you; I accept this from you.

      Do a Google search for terms like “significance of bdsm collar” and “bdsm collars and their meanings”.

      I’m happy to answer any other questions you have.

      • Phoenixsubbie,

        That is very much how I’m looking at it but wanted another opinion(s) on the whole situation. As I read your comments, they match my thoughts almost exactly. Please expand or explain further on your comment “as if she collared herself to you”…and your take on this (possible reasons)…….

  3. Tom, She obviously wants to be collared, but went about it the wrong way. If it’s something she wanted she should have discussed it with you, but the decision of when/if to collar her should be left to you.

    • “P”,

      That’s exactly my read….once again!

      As I stated earlier, I’m new to this whole concept of collaring but in the back of my mind, I realized the significance and the symbolism. I saw her actions as a way “educating” me to the whole concept.

      We are meeting tonight to have in-depth discussions about all of this……. I’m seeing this in a very positive light.

      I truly appreciate your input and enlightenment…….

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