On Having a Collar

We’ve just begun on this wonderful road that I’ve wanted to be on for so long, which means we’re still deciding what we want and need out of this lifestyle. One of the first things I wanted — no, needed — was a collar. I needed that outward symbol of our changing dynamic. I needed something I could touch and be reminded of His ownership of me. I needed to carry around that special almost secret thing that marked me as His. Something beyond my wedding ring.

I have long understood the significance of a collar. I’ve read enough BDSM fiction and have interacted with people online long enough to really know what it means. After I came out to Sir and He embraced my needs and decided that yes, He was on board, He started researching the lifestyle like a mad man. I held my tongue about needing a collar for as long as I could. I wanted Him to discover this part of the lifestyle and come to the realization on His own that it was something important we should have between us.

But that was really unreasonable of me. No matter what fiction leads us to believe, Doms can’t read our minds. If it was something I needed, I knew He would move heaven and earth to get it for me. And I needed a collar. So I told Him, and He added it to His research. Now He understands the significance, and I have what I need. And it feels spectacular to wear it and touch it. It’s our own private connection.

I had a fear, though. I worried that other lifestylers might think it came too soon. There are people more embedded in the lifestyle than we are who have been waiting years for a collar. I expressed my fears to two friends of mine who are also in the lifestyle. “Everyone in this lifestyle moves at a different pace,” said one. “If other people look down on you for a choice you two have made, that’s on them, not you. Wear your collar proudly,” said the other. They assured me that if we felt that the time was appropriate for a collar, then that’s what worked for us.

And the few times we’ve been to the club I have worn my collar proudly. It makes me feel so…desired, marked, owned. I have a sense of belonging.

I’ve thrown myself headlong into this lifestyle, living it the way we make it best fit into our lives. And what I know right now is that my collar means just as much to me as my wedding ring does. Its significance will remain at the forefront of my mind as we move forward, no matter what the pace.

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4 thoughts on “On Having a Collar

  1. Good on you and your Sir. I agree with your friends. Move at your own pace and in your own way. I tend to lean towards a training collar while my subs are trained, and then once they have earned one, a formal collar for the remainder of their time with me, and that is good, for us. :)

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