I have the exceptional ability to put my foot in my mouth. Yeah, it’s a fun skill to have.
This latest foot-in-mouth display was actually in front of one of my favorite authors. The BDSM club we belong to has a monthly book club, and this month’s book was “Make Me, Sir” by Cherise Sinclair. We got to Skype with her and it was really awesome to be able to interact with her.
If you don’t know Cherise, you should. She’s one of the best BDSM authors out there. I have all but two of her books (and I don’t have those two because they are paranormals and that’s a genre I just can’t get into).
Anyway. So we were discussing the book and somehow the topic of negotiations came up. Not sure what was said before this, but my response was, “I don’t know. I’ve never been through negotiations.”
The leader of the group nearly gasped.
“And you’re wearing a collar?” she asked incredulously, looking at me like I had no business wearing a collar, much less being in a BDSM club.
“Well, my husband and I have been together 20 years. We’re kind of on the same page.”
I really hope she heard me. Figuratively and literally.
But it kind of made me clam up. Oh, God. I’ve never been through negotiations. I really thought I was all of a sudden being seen as a tourist, showing my newbie-ness.
As the conversation rolled along, I desperately wanted to bring up what I meant. I was compelled to tell her, “It’s not what you think.” I even considered messaging her on FetLife. I felt like shrinking into the corner of the room or just disappearing.
True, Sir and I have never sat down and had a dedicated negotiation session, but that doesn’t mean we don’t know what we want or don’t want. We take things as they come, and generally when one of us brings something up, the other is on board. I can’t think of one thing that one of us has said that the other was like, “Ummmm, we’re going to have to talk about this some more.”
But as I drove home berating myself for what I thought was putting my foot in my mouth, I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other people think. That’s one of my big hangups, and I’m starting to come to grips with the fact that I have to get over that. I was, thankfully, able to talk myself down from this. I told myself that just as “Your kink may not be my kink” the only people in my relationship are me and Sir, and how we choose to arrange what we do is no one’s business but our own.
What we do works for us. And that’s all that really matters. And if somehow I’m judged, I’ll issue a big fat “Fuck you” and move on. That’s my lesson to myself. I hope I can remember it.